Lyrics - Jam on Rye
Jam on Rye

1. Burpity Burp Burp Burp
2. Jam on Rye
3. Hockey Puck
4. Virginia, Vega, and I
5. Ode to a Shower Door
6. Don't Fill Up On Chips
7. Not Too Young for a Song
8. Nagasaki

9. Crew Cut
10. Slow Motion Mom
11. Slow Eater
12. Everybody Farts
13. Follow Your Nose
14. So Funny I Forgot to Laugh
15. Time to Dream
16. Goodnight, My Someone

 

 


Jam on Rye booklet1

Jan on Rye booklet2

Burpity Burp Burp Burp

(by Randy Kaplan and Julie May)

Burp burp burp burp burp.
Burpity burp burp burp.
I’ve got to hear a burp burp burp
Now that you have slurp slurp slurped.

Oh, the night is dark and deep
With promises to keep.
I promised I would get some burps
Before I go back to sleep.

Oh, milky milky moo.
Oh, milky milky May.
Milky milky milky milk
A dozen times a day.

Oh, burpin’ is my skill.
Burpin' is my art.
I’ve got to hear a burp burp burp
But all I hear’s a—

I think you're gonna burp.
You're face is turning red.
As soon's I hear you burp burp burp
We can go back to bed.

Oh, gruntity grunt grunt grunt.
Does that mean you think you're done?
Oh, come on now. A little burpin'
Never harmed no one.

I put you o’er my shoulder.
I put you o’er my knee.
Please please please just burp burp burp
And don’t spit up on me.

Oh no! Thar she blows!
It’s coming out his nose.
It’s all over his clothes.
He’s covered head to toes.
Oh, thar he goes.
The spitup, how it flows.
Projectile? I suppose.
Is this normal? No one knows.

You glug glug glug glug glugged.
You drained it to the dregs.
You’ve got to burp now. What is that?
Something smells like eggs.

I take you o'er my knee.
I take you o'er my shoulder.
I pat and rub your back back back.
Now you're an hour older.

It's freezing in your room.
I'm turning up the heat.
Your mom is sleeping like a log,
As if a log could sleep.

You're running me around.
You're playing me for a fool.
I've got to hear a burp burp burp
But all I see is drool.

Oh, burping is my job.
Burping is my art.
I've got to hear a burp burp burp
But all’s I smell’s a—

This song is pretty crude.
This song is pretty crass.
Well, what did you expect, my friends?
I wrote it about gas.

I thought you were all done.
I thought there was no more.
Now I see you want to share
Your milk with chair and floor.

Oh, no! Thar she blows!
It’s coming out his nose.
It’s all over his clothes.
He’s covered head to toes.
Oh, thar he goes.
The spitup, how it flows.
Projectile? I suppose.
Is this normal? No one knows.

Oh, burp burp burp burp burp.
Burpity burp burp burp.
I’ve got to hear a burp burp burp
Now that you have slurp slurp slurped.

[BACK TO TOP]


Jam on Rye

—When I go out to eat in a restaurant and I look at the menu
and I see written in all capital letters at the bottom: NO SUBSTITUTIONS PLEASE...
well, I think, That's one inflexible chef back there in the kitchen.
You see, I like to substitute certain ingredients for certain other ingredients.
Yup, I'm a first class ingredient substitutionist.
But I'm not an anarchic substitutionist.
I mean, I don't sub out just any ingredient.
The ingredient I pick to replace the original one has to RHYME with it.
You see...

I don't like ham. (he don't like ham).
But I like jam (but he like jam).
I don't like rice (he don't like rice).
But I like ice (but he like ice).

And that's why I eat jam on rye
With my mixed up greens and my ice and beans.

—Yeah, jam is where it's at, man. Fruit butter, curd, spread, or preserves!
And, yes, I insist that my greens are always as mixed up as I am.
—Impossible!
—Do you really prefer jams and jellies to hams and pork bellies, Randy?
—I do. Absolutely.
—Why?
—Why?!

'Cause jam is good ('cause jam is good)
In its jellyhood (in its jellyhood).
Gimme jelly please (give him jelly please).
Gimme jam and cheese (give him jam and cheese).

Yes, marmalade or preserves I'd trade
For the ham I've bade farewell to, babe.
So just to clarify, I do hereby
Insist you try some jam on rye.

—A little Green Eggs and Hamish there, I know.
Well, this is a haimish song. Anyway, Dr. Seuss wouldn't mind.
—You mean Seuss.
—No, Seuss. That's how his name is really pronounced.
He just gave up enforcing it after a while, and went with the crowd.
—Get back to the food, Randy.
—Okay...

If you don't like chips (if you don't like chips)
Then switch to pips (then switch to pips).
Pips are pits or seeds (they're pits or seeds).
Put 'em in your feed (put 'em in your feed).

So go ahead and try some fish and pips
Instead of chips for your salty lips.
Yeah, no one needs permission slips
To swallow seeds of persimmon pits.

—Ogden Nash might not have liked persimmons.
He said as much in a poem. But I sure do.
I also love chips, as you know.
But if you don't appreciate that salty-paper-cuts-on-your-lips feeling then, as I said,
Go ahead and substitute some sweet pips instead.
Hey, guys. Speaking of substitutions, instead of the next verse, let's jam!
—Here we go!

I don't like ham (he don't like ham).
But I love jam (but he love jam).
I don't like rice (he don't like rice).
But I like ice (but he like ice).

And that's why I eat jam on rye
With my mixed up greens and my ice and beans.
Let us versify: Viva jam on rye!
Yeah, I'm a kooky guy and that's why
I eat jam instead of ham!

[BACK TO TOP]


Hockey Puck

Baseball, basketball, football, soccer ball,
Handball, racquetball, cricket ball, kick ball
Bowling ball, billiard ball, bocce ball, volleyball,
Golf ball, tennis ball...hockey puck?!

Wiffle ball, newcomb ball, dodge ball, squash ball,
Paddleball, ping-pong ball, polo ball, paint ball,
Jai alai ball, rugby ball, shot put ball, tether ball,
Lacrosse ball, softball...hockey puck?!

—Who do you think you are, Don Rickles?

The hockey puck ain't round, it ain't rolling on the ground
It goes sliding on the ice in a sport of sacrifice
There are teeth to be knocked out, there are things to scream and shout
5 on 3, 4 on 4, there are many ways to score
Slap shot, snap shot, wrist shot, one timer!!!

—Zamboni!
—Zamboni!
—Hockey Puck!
—Hoppy Cook!

The blades are really sharp, there are Islanders and Sharks
There are Bruins, there are Kings, there are Blues and Red Wings
There are Maple Leafs and Ducks, other teams, you're out of luck
I'm running out of time, out of room, out of my mind!

Grabner drags his toe as he skates across the blue line,
Taking the feed from Tavares, who wears the same number as the great Butch Goring incidentally.
Fleury out of the crease! Grabner skates into the trapezoid and...
Wraparound...
Score!
Hat Trick!

Beach ball, skee ball, t-ball, Wii ball,
Stick ball, power ball, croquet ball, cork ball,
Pall Mall ball, wall ball, pinball, pachinko ball,
Foos ball, fuzz ball...hockey puck?!
—Hockey Puck?

[BACK TO TOP]


Virginia, Vega, and I

(whistling)

Virginia, Vega, and I play beneath the Kansas sky
Down by the river and swamp.
Step, step, step. Stomp, stomp, stomp.

Virginia, Vega, and I. Hey, hey, hey. My, oh, my.
Vega says, Watch me skip.
It looks more like she’s about to trip.

Virginia, Vega, and I are going home to eat stir fry
I can hear those dinner bells ring
Through the air where humidity’s king

Virginia, Vega, and I are wishing Sadie didn’t have to fly
All the way to Tennessee.
I wish she were here with V, V, and me.

Now Sadie, she flew home. Over land, not sea or foam.
And she's right here with us.
So we can play and raise a fuss.

Sadie, Vega, and I laugh at Virginia chasing a fly
The swing set is the thing.
We see how high Vegacita can swing.

Virginia, Vega, and I go down to the river nigh
The lazy river crawls.
And Sadie does some great bird calls.

Virginia, Vega, and I think a robin's flying by
But when we look to see,
It's Sadie whistling at V, V, and me.

(whistling)

[BACK TO TOP]


Ode to a Shower Door

When I was just a tiny lad I hardly ever laughed.
I knew not what a shower was. I was forced to take a bath.
I threw a fit, a tantrum, and I argued every time,
“I want to keep this sticky coat of dirt and germs and grime.
I like my gunk and grime!”

As I grew I gained some rights like standing while I bathed.
The water fell like sprinkles from a cloud. I was amazed.
But something was annoying me, of what I wasn't certain.
But after much reflection and thought
I decided it was that curtain, that mildewed vinyl shower curtain.

I hated when I left it in. It would cling to my left thigh.
I think the steam and the warm wet air were the reasons why.
But I hated when I left it out, the bathroom became a pool.
And when I came down to the kitchen for dinner
It wasn't very cool. No, it wasn't very cool.

The ceiling would be leaking and my dad would just shake his head.
“He’ll have to go back to taking baths,” is what the old man said.
So I begged and pleaded, “Please, please, Ma. Do something. Find a cure.”
So in a great display of compassion and love she bought a shower door.
She installed a shower door! And I said,

“Oh, oh, the shower door.
It's like I never bathed before.
When it rains it pours and pours.
I want to shower more and more.”
Oh oh oh ode to the shower door.

I bathed in peace. I'd sing my songs as my body filled with suds.
And off my face and down the drain flowed dirt and grime and mud.
And the door was solid see-through glass so it didn’t cling to my knee. He-he.
And me brother could ever tip-toe in to sneak up on poor me.
Through the glass him I would see.

But one day I was filled with aches and I could not go to school
My mom made me an Epsom salt-filled bath. I sang, “Don’t Be Cruel.”
Everybody knows that with that solid shower door
Built into the bathtub there’s no elbow room no more.
You can’t rest your elbow on a shower door!

And I said, Woe, woe to the shower door.
I want to go back to before.
When it rains it pours and pours.
I want to shower nevermore.
Woe, woe, woe, woe to the shower door.

Yesterday I filled my tub with water from a pail
As I recited John Keats’s poem, "Ode to a Nightingale."
I decided to write an ode myself to live forevermore.
And I thought I’d dedicate my ode to my childhood shower door.
That complex shower door.

So I wrote, Ode, ode to the shower door
It’s like I never bathed before
I want to bathe and shower more
Ode, ode, ode, ode to the shower door!

So the moral to this story is simple as can be:
Enjoy your baths and showers while you’re young and they are free.
And in your bathtub you can play and you might even see
A shark who pops up from the drain and says, “Shampoo me!”

[BACK TO TOP]


Don't Fill Up On Chips

(chip eating sounds)

Don’t fill up on chips.
—Why, Ma? Why, Ma?
‘Cause if you fill up on chips
You won’t eat your dinner.
So read my lips:

Don’t fill up on chips.
—Why, Ma? Why, Ma?
Salsa and guacamole, they ain’t dinner.
They’re just dips.
Don’t fill up on chips.

There’s tacos on the way
And they’re not free. We gotta pay.
Or chimichangas or quesadillas.
So don’t fill up on chips
And just take a few sips
Of your soda.
—Ha ha ha
¿Por qué te ría?
—I’m laughing for fun, Ma. It won’t hurt anyone, Ma.
I think that those chips make you loco!
—It’s because chips are salty that I sip, Ma. It’s not my fault, see?
I think you’re just cuckoo!
—Maybe un poco!

Don’t fill up on chips.
—Why, Ma? Why, Ma?
‘Cause if you fill up on chips—
—You sound like a record, Ma, one that skips!
Don’t fill up on chi—
Don’t fill up on chi—
Don't fill up on chi—
Don’t fill up on chips!

(chip eating sounds)

Look, you've been very patient, okay?
But let me reiterate:
Chips are an appetizer.
You ordered a whole dinner so just, please...
Don't fill up on chips.

—Why, Ma?

Ugghhhh!

Don’t do it, I say!
Push that basket away.
And wait for your smothered burrito.
—Smothered with what, Ma?
Cheese!
—Yeah, uh, but, Ma, I’m allergic and cheese I can’t eat.
Oh, darn! I forgot.
—Here’s the food. Plate’s are hot.
Uh, we’ll have to take it home. Para llevar.
Can you wrap it for me?
—With all those chips!
No!
—But they’re free!
—Señorita, your kid is bizarre.

Don’t fill up on chips.
—Why, Ma? Why, Ma?
‘Cause if you fill up on chips
You won’t eat your dinner.
So read my lips:

Don’t fill up on chips.
—Why, Ma? Why, Ma?
Guacamole and salsa verde,
They ain’t dinner. They’re just dips.
Don’t fill up on chips.

—Why, Ma?

[BACK TO TOP]


Not Too Young for a Song

(by Dan Bern - lyrics used by permission)

A little too young and not yet quite strong,
A little too young maybe to sing along.
But not too young to know where you belong
And not too young for a song.

A little too young for holding a spoon,
A little too young to know midnight from noon.
But not too young to look up at the moon
And not too young for a tune.

I’ll sing, you can wave your arms around, that’s right.
If we want, we can go all night.

A little too young for knowin' right from wrong,
A little too young to know where the sun has gone.
But not too young to come along
And not too young for a song.
Not too young for a song.

[BACK TO TOP]


Nagasaki

(by Harry Warren and Mort Dixon)

[BACK TO TOP]


Crew Cut

I had a crew cut but the crew bailed out.
Thar it breaches, they began to shout.
They were talkin' 'bout my white whale scalp.
I had a crew cut but the crew bailed out.

I had a Mohawk but the hawk flew the coop.
Like you really need to know the scoop.
Okay, I'll keep you in the know, in the game, in the loop.
I had a Mohawk but the hawk flew the coop.

I wish I had a mullet or a bowl cut or a bob.
Even a pony tail, I'm no snob.
Long dread locks and at the same time peyes.
Yeah, I'd like to look like a Yiddish Jose Reyes.

I wish a had an afro or a beehive or a buzz
But all I got's a little bit of leftover fuzz.
A hi-top fade or a mop-top's nice.
At least there'd be a chance for me to catch some lice.

—Yeah, I like lice. They're quite cute...
If you don't look at them through a microscope, that is.
Do you think lice have hair themselves?
If they do, do they get mini-lice?
I guess I miss my hair.
I used to have really big hair, back in the good old 1980s.
Can you imagine that?
If I had that hair now I could do a lot of things with it.
There'd be no stopping me.

If I had corn rows it might be my fate
To look like Allen Iverson did in aught-eight.
I'd like to wear a pageboy or a perm or go mod
Or have a crazy spiky Einstein look like Sweeney Todd.
I could shave off the sides like Mo or Forrest Gump
Or give myself a comb over like Donald Trump.
How about an emo flap? Yeah, I'd take that chance.
How did flappers do their do doin' that Charleston dance?
My hair still does the tango 'cause it just takes two
And if one falls out I'll do the Wilbury Twist with you.

I had a pompadour but circumstance
Made my hairdo do a different dance.
Nature or nurture or perchance just chance?
My pompadour was a victim of circumstance.

I had a crew cut but the crew bailed out.
Thar it breaches, they began to shout.
The white whale? No, without a doubt
They were talking bout my pate, my head, by burnt bald scalp.
I had a crew cut but the crew bailed out.

[BACK TO TOP]


Slow Motion Mom

She’s a snail, she’s a slug
And she’s slower than a bug.
We go walking but we might as well crawl.
Shake your tail! What a mug!
Look! She’s scrunching like a pug.
She doesn't like to be hurried, that’s all.

She’s a snail, she’s a slug
And she’s slower than a bug.
But she happens to be cute as one too.
Yes, bugs can be cute.
I know an ant, a real beaut.
Don’t ever squash her or I’ll have to say knew.

Oh, she’s slower than a turtle on the moon.
Oh, she’s slower than a Mazzy Star tune.
She's like a half deflated helium balloon.
Instead of singing her this song I’ll have to croon:
Oh, she’s slower than a turtle on the moon.

She’s a snail, she’s a slug.
She just needs a sparkplug.
To my pleas to step it up she is immune.
All hail this kid we lug
In his Bugaboo and Uggs.
We started walking him in April. Now it’s June.
His mom is slower than a turtle on the moon.

[BACK TO TOP]


Slow Eater

When me and my mom go out for dinner
I measure food in quantity and I'm always the winner.
I’m a growing boy, ten years old! I think she under-orders.
She says we’ll split a pizza
And I know I’ll have three quarters.

When me and my mom go out for dessert
I'm always loosening my belt, I'm always untucking my shirt.
I finish my frozen yogurt.
My belly's a big balloon.
I throw away my cup but I hold on to my spoon

'Cause she's a slow eater. She’s a slow eater.
She’s a slow eater. Slow eater.

It's almost 1 a.m. I’ve long since hit the sack.
My hunger wakes me up. I say, “Mom! I want a snack!
My stomach is growling!” But my mom says to me,
“The refrigerator's empty. We just stocked it up this week!”

My mom says to me, “It's not good for your health
to finish all your food and then eat everybody else’s!”
She tells me I could choke and that eating fast is rude.
She says I should relax and stop inhaling all my food.

She's just a slow eater. She’s a slow eater.
She’s a slow eater. Slow eater.

My mom says to me, “I've had my eye on you.
I don't know how you do it. For example, you consumed
A hundred carob-covered peanuts at the movies late last night.
Then you took my oatmeal cookie and you ate it in one bite.
You're as hungry as a beggin’ dog, waggin’ his tail.
You’ll eat a loaf of raisin bread
That's on the verge of going stale.
You’ll eat a plate of chocolate chips
Before they're in the batter.
You can scarf a double waffle in a minute flat!
The sandwiches I made were not for you alone, ya lummox.
Yet before the picnic started they were all inside your stomach
With that bag of baked tortilla chips
From Gram and Granpa’s house.
You deserve the cuts on the roof of your mouth!
This morning you consumed a kinda continental breakfast
With a giant glass of juice and a seven pancakes big as Texas.
Then you ate that bag of Tootsie Pops I bought you for five dollars.
The whole entire bag! Is it worth it to follow
A fairly healthy meal with a junk food spree?
You’re like a vacuum cleaner. You eat everything you see!
And you chewed those Tootsie Pops! You know, they're only meant to lick!
You’re gonna make yourself nauseous. Gonna make yourself sick!
Are you ever satisfied? Will you ever get your fill?
How can you enjoy a muffin taken as a pill?”
My mom says, “Gluttony's a sin” as I lay groaning on the floor.
"Mama, I don’t feel so well and I ain’t doin’ this no more...
I'll even fast next Yom Kippur...
I'll be a slow eater.”

[BACK TO TOP]


Everybody Farts

Everybody farts.
We're just playing our parts.
It's music and it's art.
—W-w-w-what?

Everybody farts
Invisible stink darts.
They come straight from the heart.
—You mean the butt?

Farting in the bath
Makes bubbles, makes us laugh.
Bath and laugh don’t rhyme
But I can cause them to sometimes.
Like if I say bath like you,
Like you did when you were two.
You’d say, “You know what makes me laugh?
Farting in the baff.”

Everybody farts.
We're just playing our parts.
In music and the arts
You gotta give a little push.
Everybody farts
Invisible stink darts.
They come straight from the heart.
—You mean the tush?

Farting in Dad’s truck
Cracks windows, cracks us up.
Truck and up don’t rhyme
But I can cause them to sometimes.
Like if I say truck like you,
Like you did when you were two.
You'd say, "You know what cracks me up?
Farting in Dad's trup."

Everybody farts.
We're just playing our parts.
It's music and it's art.
—Randy, you're a nut!

Everybody farts
Invisible stink darts.
They come straight from the heart.
—Aww, c'mon!
Okay, I mean the butt.

[BACK TO TOP]


Follow Your Nose

I think someone made a doody
Someone made a doody
Someone made a doody
I think someone made a doody
—Who?
Follow your nose!

Did my daddy make a doody?
Daddy make a doody?
Daddy make a d-d-doody?
Did my daddy make a doody?
—No!
Follow your nose!

Maybe Mommy made a doody
Mommy made a doody
Mommy made a doody
Maybe Mommy made a doody
—No!
Follow your nose!

Did my doggy make a doody?
Doggy make a doody?
Doggy make a d-d-doody?
Did my doggy make a doody?
—No!
Follow your nose!

—Maybe Randy made a doody!
—No!
—Follow your nose!

Maybe baby made a doody
Baby made a doody
Baby made a doody
Maybe baby made a doody
—Yes!
I followed my nose!

[BACK TO TOP]


So Funny I Forgot to Laugh

So funny I forgot to laugh
at the joke made by my better half.
So funny I forgot to go like this:
Ha Ha Ha.

So funny I forgot to say
That my better half slept half the day
Away today and I forgot to blow her a kiss:
Mwa Mwa Mwa.

She sent me to the store with a grocery list
But she wanted more so she sent me a text
Sayin': raspberry, blueberry, strawberry, blackberry.
And please make sure that they're not very old.
Like I told ya, check the expiration date.
And take 'em from the back of the shelf 'cause the bait
Is the food in the front that's about to go bad.
It's the worst of its kind. So don't be had!
Oh, and whole grain bread, not multi-grain!
I said, "Babe, your list's well nigh insane.
Stop writing me a tome in a text. I'll be home
In a minute and a half and I'll make you laugh."

So funny I forgot to chuckle
At my butter cup muffin, at my honeysuckle rose
'Cause she knows I don't always seem amused.
Ha Ha Ha.

So funny I forgot to bust
A gut or roll in the aisle like a nut.
When I'm sent to the supermarket I get confused.
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Speaking of nuts, she sent me back to the store
With a brand new text 'cause she still wanted more,
Sayin: almonds, walnuts, and cashews,
Pistachios, pines, macadamias too.
And grab me jar of that jingleberry jam
And a can of the cranberries next to the Spam.
Desitin, diapers, and frozen french toast
And the Tropicana OJ I like most is
No Pulp Calcium with Vitamin D
And Horizon Whole Milk with Omega 3.
I said, "Baby, it's crazy, my cart's overflowing.
I'll be home in a spell. Well, I best get going.

Let's go, gang!
So funny I forgot to bust
A gut or a move or the bank. I trust
In you. I do and I want to go like this:
Ha Ha Ha.

So funny I forgot to split
My sides with a snicker so they'd have to knit
Me back together. Hey, I better blow a kiss:
Mwa Mwa Mwa.

So I'm sent to the supermarket again
And I gotta get calm and I gotta be Zen
But I'm standing in line and I gotta get off,
Says my better half or my third or my fourth
In another, yes, another, yes another text!
So I scramble and I scrabble for what she wants next:
Some eggs to scramble, some stuff for the scrapple,
A squeezie and a McIntosh organic apple.
So I call her for a chuckle and we even guffaw
But still she insists, "We should laugh more!"
I say, "Honey, that's silly, now don't be daft.
I'll be home in a bit and we'll sit and we'll laugh.

So funny I forgot to laugh.
So funny I forgot to laugh.
So funny I forgot to laugh.
So funny—

—I forgot the baby wipes!
And I got the wrong kind of butter...unsalted.
And what does this say? Garbage bags?
She forgot the "b." I thought it said garage bags.
I didn't know what they were.
Sardines? Who'd want them anyway?
At least I got malted milk balls.
And they weren't even on the list!

[BACK TO TOP]


Time to Dream

The sun is down,
The moon is high,
We’ve had a full day, you and I.
And now it’s time to dream.

The sky is dark,
The air is still,
Today we had our fun and fill.
And now it’s time to dream.

You may dream of things you’ve seen today and yesterday.
Or maybe of tomorrows that are very far away.
Of who you’ll be, of where you’ll go, of what you’re gonna do.
Goodnight, my love. I’m by your side. My eyes are closing too.

The stars are out,
The moon is low,
We’ve had a full day. Don't you know
That now it’s time,
Oh, now it’s time,
Yes, now it’s time to dream.

[BACK TO TOP]


Goodnight, My Someone (from The Music Man)

(by Meredith Willson)

[BACK TO TOP]

 
   
website and all content ©2007-2017 Randy Kaplan, all rights reserved.